Sequels and Why They Suck

Okay, so I'm a child of the eighties, I admit it. One of my favorite movies as a teenager was: "The Lost Boys." It was designed to appeal to me, the typical, heterosexual female teenager. I STILL want to marry Billy Wirth when I grow up! I STILL have a thing for guys with long hair. Okay, so part of that can be blamed on spending my formative years in the age of hair bands but whatever.

So someone had the bright idea to remake The Lost Boys. Great! I looked forward to seeing all the old hotties. I don't know if any of you have checked lately (I have and do regularly) but Billy Wirth is STILL hot, hot, gorgeous, beautiful and HOT. Yes, I KNOW his character died in the movie but he could be "Son of Duane" or something! Jason Patrick is still hot, still brooding and seemingly pouty but hot nonetheless. Kiefer Sutherland looks better now than he EVER did in that movie. Corey Haim...well, he's had some problems...but there's a sweetness about him that can't be denied. Brooke McCarter was HOT in the movie, now...not so much. But do we see ANY of these hotties in the movie? NO.

There are several reasons not to waste an hour and a half of your life on the Lost Boys sequel, the main reasons being those I've listed above: no Billy Wirth, no Jason Patrick, no Kiefer, Brooke, nothing! Another big reason not to see this movie: THey DID include Corey Feldman. I don't want to wish bad things on casting directors Lindsey Hayes Kroeger and David Rappaport so I'll just wish vague discomfort on them. The same discomfort I felt while watching this pitiful, direct to DVD travesty. What's even MORE sad is that the Frog Brothers are down one frog!

Evidently Jamison Newlander is in some part of the movie as his name is included in the closing credits (I'll get to THAT bit of grotesquery in a moment) BUT do I really have to PAY cash money to rent this thing to find out what his role is in the extended version or alternate ending or whatever joke they played on the suckers who do shell out the cash? I don't know who owns The Lost Boys as a property but I would imagine they must be DESPERATE for cashola to have allowed this tripe to be produced. This movie should not, should not, should NOT have been made. Everything about it sucks: The plot (ha ha) the cinematography, the lighting, the ACTING, the "special" effects (AGAIN ha ha), the sets all of it CHEESE WHEEL.

They cast Kiefer Sutherland's half brother as the head vampire in this one. I don't know if it's cheeky, an homage or just plain sad. He has some kind of weird speech impediment or he's constantly stoned while trying to act I can't tell which. His job is to be hot in the film, so hot you don't notice he can't act. He failed at both miserably. The hero of the movie, Tad Hilgenbrink, has you hoping his character gets gutted in the first fifteen minutes. Same goes for his annoying sister played by Autumn Reeser. There's a scene in the film where she's "called" by the head vampire and she walks all the way to his lair. She pulls this dumb, awkward hypnotized face and moves like a mannequin that keeps you praying she'll stumble down a hill and cut the horrific acting.

The ending leaves you thinking something else is going to happen because the ending is too trite and pat for a modern movie attendee to believe a modern movie maker could leave it like that. It's a lump of an ending, uninspired and ridiculous and I'm not even going to mention the CHEAP special effects that attend the ending. It ends so bluntly and poorly you keep looking for some kind of twist but there's nothing. Just some idiotic admonishment by the Aunt of the brother and sister that's supposed to be hilarious but comes off as contrived and imbecilic.

Did I really expect Jason Patrick to show up? No. He's moved on to more grown up endeavors (I won't mention Speed 2 at this sensitive juncture) nor did I expect Kiefer Sutherland to interrupt his 24 success with something as lame as a sequel but damn, give us, the original fans of the original movie, SOMETHING. Corey Feldman does NOT count as something. I also understand that I love the original as part of something I experienced as a teenager. I understand that it wasn't Schindler's List or Million Dollar Baby or any other well honored movie. It was a teenage scream flick, but a GOOD one.

In the original Lost Boys you cared about the characters. I loved the relationship between Micheal (Jason Patrick) and Sam (Corey Haim) I got the attraction Jason Patrick's character had for the Jami Gertz character (even if she's degenerated to a whiner actress now a la Still Standing barf) and the dynamic of the family in both the vampire and human world and what it meant to both was played out in a way that was easily understood (unlike the sequel) and endearing. The twists in the plot and the ending were amusing and thrilling. The sequel? Twistless and thus plotless.

I love vampire movies but Hollywood keeps messing them up! This is Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker all over again! This is Tom Cruise in heels as Lestat yet again! The Lost Boys was cast perfectly, all characters were played by actors appropriately beautiful for their roles. They were intense when they needed to be, funny when it was called for and heart breaking at every turn. I'm glad that the sequel went straight to DVD so it will have less impact on those of us who prefer to remember the superior original.

My BIGGEST beef with the movie? SPOILER ALERT avoid this part if you don't want the ending ruined: after the credits start rolling they run a scene of Corey Feldman sitting on a picnic table screaming into the night. My first thought was they were going to explain what happened to the other frog brother. No, they did something even more obnoxious and flat out stupid: they introduced a NEW plot point for NO APPARENT REASON. Who comes flying out of the dark in vampire form? Why Corey Haim as Sam Emerson fitted with Mr. Ed's horse teeth for some bizarre reason. What the hell? Why is he introduced in the end with no explanation and no resolution whatsoever? Did they think us original fans would demand some kind of sacrifice? And what's the deal with the main characters having the same last name as Sam and Micheal? The teenage hero and heroine idiots are named Chris and Nicole Emerson the same as brothers Sam and Micheal Emerson from the original movie. WHY? It's so stupid to leave it unexplained unless you rent the idiotic movie or God forbid buy the thing instead of watch it for free at a friend's house who bought it on pay per view because they needed a good laugh! STUPID.

My advice to all who are curious about The Lost Boys: The Tribe: just watch the first one, and remember things the way they were.